As you know, we have spent the better part of 2020 trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like without our sweet Allie physically present in our lives. It has been a year of discovery, challenges, grieving, praying, and growing. We have grown in faith by leaps and bounds and have learned many things about Heaven that we had not previously known. To say that this year has been a roller coaster would be an understatement. All the while, working out really hasn’t been at the top of the priority list, I have to admit, but that is about to change.
Starting in 2020, we were still in a fog and stayed there for several months. We functioned and continued with daily schedules but it was like we were walking around in a zombie-like state. We have all continued with therapy while maintaining school schedules, work, swim practices, soccer, cheer, and Allie’s Way (our non-profit dedicated to preventing distracted driving). I started working out again with Camp Gladiator in the effort to keep my mind off missing Allie but it became too difficult to even figure out virtual workouts with our kid’s virtual school schedule. I “dropped it like it’s hot” on my workouts. I just quit in order to keep moving forward with helping my kids, maintaining the household duties (which somehow didn’t manage to stay maintained), and building Allie’s Way while honoring our precious girl on the most important dates of the year: distracted driving awareness month, her memorial, and her birthday.
Once I realized that I was often slipping away with negative thoughts about what happened or missing her so immensely that I was on the floor, I just started to pray more fervently. I realized that I don’t have to listen to the negativity in my mind or the depressive thoughts that would attack me at a moment’s notice, without warning. I realized that GOD HAS GOT ME! He’s got this too! As I prayed to relinquish those thoughts and stay focused on the truth, there is a resounding peace that came over me like a sweet, cuddly blanket. It shielded me from replaying the events that happened that day or thinking about the injustice that has been done. There were so many signs after Allie passed into Heaven. She often turned on the battery-powered candles in all of our rooms at various times depending on when we typically went to bed. These candles were not smart candles! They can’t be programmed to turn on, only to turn off after so many hours. I heard pings on empty glass vases that I had left on the countertop when no one else was there. My wicker basket in the bathroom once shifted in response to my movements. The most compelling piece of evidence that there is life beyond death is that I heard her! I was at home with our middle child and we both were sick with the flu. All the other neighborhood children, including ours, were at school and our dog was downstairs with us. Since we had been coughing so much, it would’ve been typical to hear Allie mimic our coughing. To my surprise, I heard it! I heard a tiny cough coming from upstairs and it was Allie’s voice. At the moment, I started to worry that she was getting sick until I realized that her body wasn’t there and she wouldn’t be catching the flu. Once I realized that she wasn’t physically there, I was relieved that she wasn’t sick, sad because I missed her, but elated that I got to hear her precious voice even if it was just a tiny moment that she coughed and copied us. On another occasion, I was listening to a bedtime story with music from an app that I had downloaded to help soothe our oldest daughter to sleep. She had been battling sleep issues since Allie passed. When the music in the story started playing, Madison had me pause the story because she felt a tiny hand on her arm. When the music started again, the tiny, invisible hand started swaying back and forth as if it were dancing. We knew it was Allie! We were shocked, amazed, mystified, and absolutely confused at how this could possibly happen. We know that Allie is with God and she is a little Saint in Heaven but everything is such a mystery and it is so mind-boggling, especially when you are experiencing such things in real life. It is one thing to read about God’s word in the bible but it is a completely different thing to experience some of what he says first hand. Another example I’ll leave you to ponder is that God actually spoke to me in a verbal sentence. I have always looked up to the people who God has spoken to like the prophets, saints, angels, and the disciples of Jesus but I never thought that I would be worthy enough to hear him speak. The almighty powerful creator himself answered my question. I had been asking him the same question so many times over again in prayer and in casual conversation speaking to him but never understood the answer. I asked him, “Lord, why did you take her?” On an errand run, while driving in the car, he spoke to me out loud in the most beautiful deep voice and said, “I didn’t take her. I gave you a gift.” That has stuck with me ever since and it has been ingrained in my brain. At first, it took me a while to figure out what that meant but once it came to me, I understood. He didn’t take Allie at all. He didn’t intend for this to happen to her but rather gave me the gift of having her and because he allows free will for us all, it was another woman’s selfish, reckless act that took Allie’s life. God just saved Allie from a life of torment and suffering if she had lived through the injuries she had sustained. This is my story of discovery and growth through really praying, leaning on God at my weakest points, and picking up my sword of truth and justice when necessary. The things that I have learned are that: Heaven is within arms reach, and we are only separated by a very thin veil (like a parallel universe); We all have that warrior inside us to be just, fight for truth, and help others. Our strength comes only from God!
It’s time to make progress!! It is now 2021 and now that I have reflected a bit on 2020, it is time to make goals for a new year. This may be a year of many unknowns but we can only do what we can do and leave the rest up to the Lord himself. My goal is to be healthier, happier, and more accomplished than I was before. While I’m honestly still incomplete without my baby, I can do my best to be my best for her, for my family, and for everyone out there who needs some inspiration and encouragement. I will be posting more TRX workout videos and workout guidance on this blog for moms like me who cannot seem to fit in a scheduled workout, much less an hour-long workout. I’ll take about 30 minutes maybe 10 on a really tough day but it’s better than nothing. I will post supplements and food ideas for those wanting to eat healthier or lose weight. I will also be highlighting some incredible new workout gear to make us feel better, sexier so we can get out of our sweats and get motivated. Last but not least, I will share some organizational tips to help keep families organized through virtual schooling and beyond.
I have poured my heart out about our journey this past year to shed some light on our important discoveries of faith and healing. I hope this has inspired you to hold tight to your faith through the worst of times, be gentle on yourself when you need to be, and take up your sword (metaphor) when you need to be a strong warrior. Never lose sight of the proven fact that the Lord walks among us as do our loved ones.
Stay strong, stay well, stay safe and carry on……..It’s 2021!
The Organized Fit Mom Blog 